I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
