Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
