we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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