Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
