Don't make out with my wife yet
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
