she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
