I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
