Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
