She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
