end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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