In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
