see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
