I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
