conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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