and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
