the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
