i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
