if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
