I cannot find my penis.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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