the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
