There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
