There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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