just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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