HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
