No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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