Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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