There was a lot of him and a little penis
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
