He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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