It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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