Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
