My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
