I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am available for nakedness
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
