let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
