i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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