And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
