I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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