did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You ruined the universe
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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