Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This is the high leading the old right now
Sorry my hands just texted you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
