bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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