Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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