How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
