Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
