just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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