happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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