For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
