ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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