wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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