I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
