I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
