take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
