When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
